Sunday, August 08, 2010

Holy Irreverencies, Batman


It is a truth universally acknowledged... that on the day you scrupulously scrub your kitchen floor that within hours you will spill a vast container of fast-spreading liquid all over it and you will have to do it all again. This domestic law of consequences has never failed in my household.

Yesterday morning, rather than the lick and the promise it usually gets, I sat on my wee behind and did a thorough job on my psuedo-marble flooring. I even gave it a light polish. I beamed to see its dogfoot beige return to the original white and gray.

By noon I had upended a bottle of coke all over it.

Glug, glug, splatter, splash.

Sigh.


A friend sent me this. And since it is Sunday...

Of course we know that Jesus was Jewish. He went about his Father's business, He lived at home until he was 33, and his mother was sure he was God; but...

There are three good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He didn't get a fair trial.

Then there are three good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

And three that He may have been Irish:

1. He never married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

And three that he may have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence suggests that Jesus was a woman.


Because:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Amen.

19 comments:

laughingwolf said...

lol@the threes! hilarious ;)

sorry about the floor, at least it was clean for a while, kinda like at my place :O

wv tryna tell me sumpin: rized

fairyhedgehog said...

Such a pain! In the fairy stories that only happens to the baddies, in real life quite the reverse. And with your bad back and all. :(

The jokes remind me of a Goodness Gracious Me sketch where an Indian is explaining how Jesus (and all of Christianity) is Indian. I hope you can view it because it's very funny to watch. If not, then the main bit about Jesus is: He is as Indian as they come. He works for His Father – Indian. Parents have children without having sex – Indian. Fed five thousand people with two loaves and five fishes – Indian picnic!

Natasha Fondren said...

Hahahaha! That is the truth! (The floor and the joke!)

writtenwyrdd said...

love the joke! Too bad you had to redo your work, seeing as it must have been a trial do to in the first place. :(

Elizabeth said...

That was fun!

I don't have the universal law of spillage, but I do have the universal law of cleared space: if I clean something off (like the kitchen table, say) within minutes SOMETHING will land on it (Son's bookbag, the mail, the cat) and mess it up again.

Dave F. said...

Coke?
I did it with spaghetti sauce and that does funky stuff to the grout between the tiles.

jason evans said...

Reminds me of how naturally our brains trade in stereotypes. It must be a way of streamlining our thoughts and expectations. Of course, the downside is that it blinds us too.

BernardL said...

The kitchen floor karma is one of the main 'Murphy's Law' axioms. I wash our kitchen floor before my daughter and grandson visit. It takes only five minutes after arrival for my wife to hand my grandson something he immediately deposits on the floor. I thought it was because he was little. Now that he's eight I'm not so sure. :)

Gabriele C. said...

Heh, I don't polish the kitchen floor. That way it stays clean. :)

Charles Gramlich said...

I know Jesus was a writer:

1. He loved to tell stories.
2. He loved a good dramatic ending
3. He only became famous after his death.

sex scenes at starbucks, said...

That cracks me up. So much for sleeping when I'm dead, huh?

I got a steam mop and I actually like doing my floors now. Only mopped 2x a year before. I've done it three times in the past month!Even my 11 year old said, "This mop makes mopping fun!" (He does the bathrooms.)

nitebyrd said...

Sorry about the floor but yeah, you're right. It had to happen!

LOL @the Jesus joke!

raine said...

Sort of like washing your car.
It WILL rain.
As for the joke...yes. Amen. :)

Whirlochre said...

That pseudo-marble must be strong stuff indeed to survive Coke.

Wretched stuff! It could have the sheen off a slick 1950s quiz show host.

Bernita said...

A sense of righteousness, LW, though fleeting.

Fairy, that's cute!

Never fails, Natasha..

At any rate, now I can justify ignoring it for another three months, Written.

Elizabeth you are so right!No flat surface shall remain uncovered is another universal law.

Spaghetti sauce? Oh groan!It does that... This time I was lucky, Dave!In the past I've spewed mustard and chocolate sauce clear to the ceiling.

That thought occurred to me to, Jason. As lighthearted as those stereotypes are in this instance, it does intentionally trade on them.

"Kitchen floor karma," I like that description, Bernard!

First time it's seen polish since it was laid, Gabriele. I'll take it as a warning not to do it again!

Definitely, Charles!
I like that!

Part of me praises your industry, Betsy, and part of me resents your elevation from a solvenly-ness similar to my own!

Bernita said...

I was hoping for an exception to the Rule, Nytebyrd, but ah well...

Definitely a compatible with car washing, Raine.
But I suspect the whole joke is a set up for the final!

That's an excellent figurative, Whirl!

laughingwolf said...

come get your award :)

Red Penn said...

Just passeed by, read the Jesus - who was he joke, and now am spreading the Word. Thanks for the laugh!

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