Wednesday, February 03, 2010

No Other Love


Obiit February 3, 2009.

As he was when I first met him, long years ago.

In three weeks we were engaged, married in three months.
This year I have filled out endless documents, shredded files, sent his things to charity, given away his favourite music -- Louis Armstrong, The Four Aces -- music I could not bear to keep.
And still...

The tape of time spins back and forth over those years without sequence, switched on by almost every object that I touch -- until it freezes on the quiet horror of that morning.

I beg your pardon for inflicting on you such a personal post.
This is not a good day.

44 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

So much pain. I wish there was some way I could make it more bearable. All I can do is to say "I hear you".

SzélsőFa said...

and what a loss it was. i am sending my prayers.

Scott from Oregon said...

Celebrate the love

that such a day of pain

is symptomatic of...

Natasha Fondren said...

What a face he has! He seems so kind and friendly and good, Bernita. (And cute. ;-) ) When was that taken?

I pray the day comes quickly when the memories will give you more and more comfort, and less and less pain.

*big hugs*

Anne Frasier said...

hugs, Bernita.

Charles Gramlich said...

The hit you took was enormous. You are in our thoughts, though. Best wishes to see you through.

raine said...

I ache for you, dear one, and I am so sorry.
Please know that you're not alone. We love ya. {{{Hug}}}.

BernardL said...

He will never leave you. Such is love.

Bernita said...

Bless you,Fairy.

Thank you, SzelsoFa. I am in need of prayers this day.

Scott, thank you.Today, it's just hard to do that.

Natasha, he was an alpha male with a beta heart.
It's his law grad photo.Thank you.

Thank you, Ann. You know of these days, I think.

Charles,good wishes are a lifeline this day.

I may have said this before, but Raine...your words are like a warm hand holding mine against the cold.

Bernita said...

Bernard, I am so sorry to be weeping out loud all over everyone but today I can't help it.

bunnygirl said...

The body passes, but the love remains. You're in my thoughts today, Bernita.

BernardL said...

We all deal in our own way. If it helps you to grieve here, know that you're among friends.

StarvingWriteNow said...

Apologies aren't necessary. It's been a tough year for you. And remember you're among friends--even if we don't live next door--and we understand and love you all the more.

hampshireflyer said...

I'm so sorry, Bernita.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I am so sorry, Bernita. Just know we're with you and love you!

Angie said...

Hugs, hon. I'm so sorry. {{{}}}

Angie

Bernita said...

Thank you, Bunnygirl.

Bernard, SWN, you are indeed understanding friends.

Alex, Betsy, Angie, thank you for your sympathy.

It's just that my composure cracked and fell to pieces today.

Jon M said...

That Pardon doesn't need to be begged! Thinking about you today!

Whirlochre said...

That's life, I suppose.

It doesn't stop.

Can't.

Bernita said...

Sweet of you, Jon. Thank you.

Not while memory lives, Whirl.

Gabriele C. said...

But memories are the one paradies we can't be driven out of.

This post made me tear up. I know how much my father still suffers - my parents were married for 50 years and had known each other even longer. Sure, I grieve for the loss of my mother as well, but I don't live in a house blessed, and haunted, with memories.

(On another note, I apologise for the inconvenience of comment moderation on my blog, but muddy troll footprints are no fun.)

Ric said...

Some voids cannot be filled, even with the passage of time, the love of friends, and best intentions.

My Mom still rushes into the house after shopping eager to share who she ran into at the store - not realizing Dad has been gone 10 years.

It does get easier, not better, not good, but easier. Days such as this are when we hold you closer so you don't feel alone.

McKoala said...

May tomorrow be a better day.

Bernita said...

"a house blessed, and haunted, with memories.
Though we weren't together nearly as long as your parents, Gabriele,the same is true and that's a lovely way of saying it. Thank you.

"Days such as this are when we hold you closer so you don't feel alone."

Dearest Ric, I needed that so much yesterday, and am so grateful for your warmth and understanding.
Yesterday was one of those days when the cold, bitter reality of things lost and gone forever hits particularly hard.

Bernita said...

Thank you, McKoala.

writtenwyrdd said...

Ah, Bernita, wish I were there to give you a big hug and a cup of tea and sympathy. Some days are harder than others, and please do not feel you have inflicted anything on me or anyone else for sharing your pain.

It's unfortunate that time is the only thing that can provide solace, and it still won't be the same. But we adjust, eventually.

Stay strong.

Bernita said...

Deb, thank you. I've often wished we didn't live so far apart.

writtenwyrdd said...

One of these days I'll head your way. [be afraid...be very afraid...] :)

Bernita said...

Just give me enough warning so I can vacuum dog hair, hide junk, etc.

fairyhedgehog said...

Dog hair and junk sounds like just my kind of place (although with me it's cat hair, not dog hair). I wish we lived nearer.

writtenwyrdd said...

If we had enough lead time, I bet several of us could land in the Montreal area for a couple of days. (I just so happen to have a week off in July...)

Bernita said...

I do too, Fairy.
Right now it's squalor, though.

Make that closer to Kingston, Written.
I DO have room.

jason evans said...

So sorry, Bernita.

But thank you for sharing some of his youth with us. And what he meant.

laughingwolf said...

blessings to you and yours, dear friend...

Rick said...

Bless you.

moonrat said...

he was a real looker, Bernita. and if he managed to catch you, he must have been just as lovely on the inside.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I'm so sorry. I love you my friend.

Bernita said...

Thank you, Jason, and Laughing Wolf, and Rick, and MoonmouseDear, for your understanding and compassion.

Bonnie(my better twin), I used to run downstairs every morning to share your jokes with him. He loved them.
I didn't mean to bleed all over everone, but you have no idea the comfort your words bring me.

Frank Baron said...

He was a fine-looking man and your love honours him. Be glad for the length of time your paths intertwined.

Bernita said...

Thank you, Frank.

Chris Eldin said...

He has such a kind and gentle face. It sounds like you gave each other boundless joy.

Bernita said...

Chris, first he would have said a bad word and then laughed at hearing himself described so!
But he was kind.

Steve Malley said...

I feel grateful and humbled that you shared this with us... Thank you.

Bernita said...

Steve, thank you for those kind words.
Especially when everyone has their sorrows and mine are in no way unusual.