Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Alice Factor


portion of The Marina Piccola, Capri,
Albert Bierstadt,
oil on canvas, 1859.
Albright-Knox Art Gallery, Buffalo.

Few writers, no matter how big their shadow in the dayworld, retain their size when crossing through the Looking Glass.

The rest of us are flung about in the restless, seething roil of rushing tide. Like sand.

It would save a lot of outrage and wounded ego, as well as assorted huffery and puffery, if more writers realized the dimensions are different here -- that neither they nor their precious MS constitutes the magnificent sailing ship they believe it is, or think, as pilots, they have all the charts.

And Gawd help those who think they are bigger than they are -- just because they managed to beach without floundering in some secluded cove, or their paper boat made it across the village pond.

Here, have a drink from this vial.

We do well to remember that to many in the industry we are as sand in their deck shoes and slime on their dock.

Sure, they need us -- like a whale needs plankon.

I'll stop now, before the metaphors mixed here sink me beneath reproach.


Out of the Swamp, A Thing:
When I check and empty my filters, the collected spam-scam is usually devoid of any satiric interest, since the effusions are comprised mostly of watches, time-shares, and Nigerians.

However, yesterday:

We are here for your penis.

Run, Men, run.

29 comments:

StarvingWriteNow said...

Wow, I haven't yet received that lovely spam-mail, and I thought I'd seen them all!

Excellent posting, as usual--I must find a way to insert "huffery and puffery" into my daily work dialogue; enough of it goes on there!

Jaye Wells said...

You are so on to something. The croquet game? The submission process, overseen by the Queen of Snark.

Ric said...

A tad growly this morning? Nautical themes topped off by a penis reference.

You sly devil, you.

SzélsőFa said...

I corrected a sigh for a groan.
No pun intended, I just referred to one of your earlier posts. I found one 'sigh' - added in capitals 'this word is banned' and went back later on to correct :)

Partly, I'm joking :)

Bernita said...

Usually they are boring and unexceptional, Starving, but that one made me whoop!

It's a Wonderland for sure, Jaye.

"Growly," Ric??
Nope.
~ though I have a very nice growl, I've been told~
My post topics are not related to my hormones, btw.

Bernita said...

"Sighs" are not verboten, Szelsofa, just the over-use of them.
~ Oh God, please don't tell me I've encouraged word genocide here~

Ric said...

Nautical themes - the slow movement of the waves, building as the wind comes up, crashing louder and louder, crescendo....

yeah, yeah, not what you were going for - but it's close to Friday and you did include the penis reference...

big fish, little pond,
little fish, big pond

but we all feel our fish is bigger than most...

Bernita said...

Ric, let me assure you my fish is not bigger than most...

Charles Gramlich said...

Yeah, oftentimes as a writer seeking readers I feel like one of many baby birds clamoring for a worm. And I'm not the biggest, or the loudest or the prettiest. The reader is more of a power than the writer in this relationship. But mostly I'd still like to get the worm.

moonrat said...

more literally, you're our bread and butter.

yeah, spam and google search referrals (check out aprilynne's blog today)....both tons of fun.

Sam said...

I've necver seen that particular spam, lol!!
I had to read it twice - for some reason my brain read peanuts the first time. Must get more Coffee.

And some people need to take the shrinking potion, and some would do well to take the growing one, and paper boats are awful flimsy things, lol.

Ello said...

It's a hard business so a certain amount of ego is important to survive. But I agree with you that writers do need to keep their egos in check.

I'm going to check out my spam collecter now - I hope I got that email too!

Bernita said...

One could maintain, Charles, that the writer is always the one with the least power in all the various industry relationships.

Interesting, anyway, Moonmouse, I just saw my glove/hand smother guy is back.

I used to think these odd spams were written by those for whom English was not a first language, Sam.
But after reading the Lanaia Lee (and associates) missives, I adjusted my thinking...

Bernita said...

Yep, Ello,especially considering the size of the Pond.

raine said...

Excellent post.
I believe I started my journey on a luxury liner, specially equipped for just me, with a crew ready and eager to sign up for the trip.

Now I seem to find myself in a papyrus raft, constantly plugging leaks and praying to the river gods for northerly winds.
It's not a big raft, but it's mine.
And sometimes the river gods listen, lol.

SzélsőFa said...

I understood 'sigh' is not forbidden/verboten/tiltott, but I saw that the place where I use 'sigh' could just as well do with groan, especially that it is related to an animal.
No genocide of any type for me.

Bernita said...

Thank you, Raine.
Really like your analogy, especially the "papyrus raft!"

I am relieved, Szelsofa.
Does sound as if "groan" would work much better.

Gabriele C. said...

I used to think these odd spams were written by those for whom English was not a first language, Sam. But after reading the Lanaia Lee (and associates) missives, I adjusted my thinking...

I thought the gentleman who told me that my English surpassed many native speakers was only being nice. But by now I'm prone to believe him.

After all, I know native Germans who butcher our language badly.

Bernita said...

No, Gabriele, he wasn't just "being nice" - it's quite true, your English is excellent.

Scott from Oregon said...

I've been selling enlarged penis time-shares from Nigeria... Anyone interested? They come with a free laptop.

Bernita said...

That's funny, Scott!

Demon Hunter said...

Run, men, run...lol...too funny...

Bernita said...

Sounded like organ theft by zombies, my Demon.

Church Lady said...

Which do you hate more: sighing or hand-wringing? LOL! Children don't really sigh, so I've never used that word.

I don't think I could go from a groveling writer to an egotistical author. But maybe....I sure would like to know.

Bernita said...

I don't hate either, Chris.
Had a dog once that would sit and sigh to get my attention.

writtenwyrdd said...

I just got some spam worth note: Chocolate toilet adult meteor.

Hmmm...there's something like a story in that...

Bernita said...

Don't think I want to go there, Written!

Jeff said...

"We are here for your penis."

Good grief! I've only got one, and I'd like to keep it, so I'm going to cross my legs and sit this one out. :)

Bernita said...

Certainly had a threatening, body-snatching tone, Jeff!