Friday, April 28, 2006

Carrying On

I seem to have developed a minimalist twich - and if my writing becomes anymore de-flensed I'm afraid it's going to resemble that bird of urban legend and disappear up its own behind.
Don't bother to try to decipher that metaphoric mixture.

Back on March 25, I posted the rude beginning of another short story/chapter? in the continuing adventures of Damie Tempest - a snippit from John's perspective which probably is best described as The Morning After Some Really Splendid Sex.
This is Damie's morning memory.
I hope the contrasts are evident, consistent and serve to suggest and sustain the tension.

Damie woke to the distant sound of a vacuum cleaner.

For a moment she was confused about the room.

Oh yes, Emily's house. John's sister.


An extended foot encountered cool sheets, no warm, hairy, muscular leg.
He'd left her bed then.

Sometimes after.

Her muscles clenched involuntarily, remembering his voice, his hands, his need, the urgent dominating weight of him.

She turned into her pillow, her mouth languorous against the linen.


It would have been nice to have awakened against his lean naked length.
The way she had fallen off the world into sleep, in his arms, anchored against his chest, her thigh over his.

Had been a long time since she'd felt wanted, warmed, protected. So long it made her throat ache.

Dangerous thoughts. Avoid them.

She must smell like a whore house.

She needed a bath, to get dressed, to plan


Carla said...

"....fallen off the world into sleep..."
I like that phrase.

Seem to remember that John wanted to "say good morning with his body" but got up because he thought she needed the sleep. It seems from this that Damie is taking his absence as something of a rejection. Do I gather that John was mistaken and she would have been happier if he had stayed in bed? Or am I missing the point?

Erik Ivan James said...

The contrast is certainly evident.

John's morning-after desire is intense for more sex, further physical connection, more of the night before.
Damie's desire is more now seeking the additional emotional connection rather than additional physical. Because of that, she is now becoming cautious of the relationship.
John is plunging deeper.

Bernita said...

No, not a rejection, Carla, more of an acceptance of what she thinks is probably a transitory thing with a bit of longing and awareness of susceptible lonliness.
I am so pleased you remembered the earlier snippit.

Close, Erik.
She's always been extremely cautious of the relationship, worried it's based purely on physical attraction/need - on her part as well as his.

Dennie McDonald said...

I don't know how you plan to go w/ this but I would think one or the other would feel awkward in the "change" in their relationship and I didn't really get that from her - and w/ John wanting more - it certainly tain't coming from him.

Make sense?

Carla said...

Sorry, rejection was the wrong word. Neuron (singular) is on strike today. I meant I had the impression she was thinking on the lines of "ah well, seems he's not all that keen after all, better treat it as just a bit of temporary fun, less likely to get hurt that way."
Whereas I'd had the impression from the earlier snippet that John was keen (and not just for physical reasons) and was holding back to be considerate.

Bernita said...

She does entertain that thought at one point, Carla, hadn't realized it came through/fitted here as well. Thank you.
Don't think she sees this specific absence as evidence of a lack of keeness though - she's sensible about his responsibilities - but she does think his attentions are probably temporary.

That "awkwardness" happens earlier, Dennie, the first time, and will show up again as conditions permit.
Bewilderment/confusion is more what I'm aiming for.

Robyn said...

I love how she moves from the dreamy to the practical. From all these bewildering feelings to what's-that-smell-OMG-it's me.

I like how she finds her security in herself, her plan.

Bernita said...

Thank you, Robyn.
She's so used to depending on herself, alone.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

"Word pictures!"

If I read this as a novel *blush* I'd like to see the before 'awkwardness' , so that I had a better chance to judge whether her afterward emotions were valid.

Notice I said 'her'...basically cause men are horn-dogs anyhow, and their idea of foreplay is, "Open wide, here I come!"

Yikes! Did I say that! *blush*

For The Trees said...

After reading these comments and re-reading the snippet, I think the shift in her thinking is well-shown. She goes from longing, which makes her throat ache (why her throat? She didn't say anything...or for some other reason???) Anyway she goes from longing to planning. WHAT she's gonna plan is probably laid out directly. I think the shift is clear. But without reading the earlier part(s) it's hard to tell.

I like the way you give the story some languidity by spacing down the page. Makes the thoughts more separate, like waking up often is. Especially after a lovemaking night.

Bernita said...

Let's see if I can untangle this.
The before awkwardness was AFTER the incidence of carnal corsorting, back in book two.
Dear me, it sounds so dirty to list the times.
There was no before, before awkwardness.
If you want to consider this beforeness to determine awkwardness - all in the spirit of research as a reality test, of course, Bonnie - read the March entry.

Bernita said...

Thank you, Forrest.
Glad it works for you.
To answer your question -
when people remember unhappy things such as lonliness and loss, their throats sometimes tighted and constrict.
Mine does, anyway.

For The Trees said...

Thanks for the tip about throats. I forgot emotional impact on the body - I live with it constantly, so discount it most of the time.

kmfrontain said...

It was nice up until she thought she smelled like a whore house. Now I admit to using really rough language depending on my character, but in Damie's case, thinking in terms of whore houses betrays a sense of shame in sex, don't you think? When I read about a strong female character, I like to hope she doesn't have any of the complexes pressed upon her by our society, or that she's shucked them off due to maturity and spiritual wisdom.

But I don't really know Damie that well and perhaps she does have complexes. Or maybe she's so beyond them she thinks in blunt terms with regards to sexual smells. I'm just wondering if the way she thought really fit her character. But you're the only one that ultimately knows, of course. :-)

Bernita said...

Nah, Damie doesn't have that kind of complex.
She just has a blunt, humorous approach to the results of an active evening - separate and apart from the fun involved.
Also perhaps trying to bring herself down to earth - she's both romantic and pragmatic.

kmfrontain said...

Ah, well there. Then it fits. I was curious. Like I said, I don't know her all that well yet. :-)