Saturday, March 25, 2006

Stone Circle

Since Sandra's dire predictions about flocking perverts hasn't bore fruit, so far - except for one lonely individual searching "dry humping" ( thanks, Rick) - I'll risk putting up the beginning of a rough draft of the second short. Amazing how easy it is to write bad, bad words after the first time.
This follows, chronologically from La Belle Dame.

John stretched, pulled an arm from under the pillow and looked at his watch.

Damn near 10 o'clock.

She had turned away from him in the past hours.

All he could see was a bare ivory shoulder under the glimmering tangle of her hair.

He stretched again, carefully.

It had been a long time since he'd slept with a woman. Always he'd gone home after like a dinner guest.

He tucked the duvet up around her, eased out of the bed and padded to the window.

Fingering aside the heavy drape, he saw everything appeared normal. Alex said he would detail men for the house. Fucking fanatics.

He yawned and scratched his chest.

Shower first, then see about the business of replacing her passport. There'd be damned paperwork over the car too. Need a Penrith PD report for that. See if there was any update on those two. Plans shot to hell. All but one.

He scratched at his crotch and scrubbed his knuckles along his jaw, smelling sex.

Making love in the light.

Taking his time, building it slowly, waiting for her.

Hard to wait, urge to take her, take her, fast and hard, before she slipped away like a dream.

Hearing those soft sounds she made.

Seeing her legs spread for him, seeing her golden tousel, burnished in the lamplight, meet his dark tangle as she surged against his thrust.

Seeing her quiver under his hands when he cupped her face, her breasts.

Seeing her eyes when she came, like light exploding under green water.

Hearing the way she said his name, over and over.

He was rock hard just remembering.

He wanted to crawl back into bed and pull that lovely sweet ass tight against his thighs and say good morning with his body.

Cold shower.

She needed sleep, no matter how randy he was. He clicked off the bedside light.

Only once, he thought, pulling on his track pants, had there been a dead man's ghost in bed with them.

But that was after.

24 comments:

Savannah Jordan said...

Wow! Bernita I am so impressed with the way you write from John's POV. Makes me feel like I have a LONG way to go...

My only suggestion; "...gone home after like..." This line read awkward for me. I had to backtrack and read it again. Maybe 'afterward'??

Bernita said...

Oh phooey, Savannah!
Just different approach is all.I'm the one with a long way to go.
This alternating POV's just developed recently ( so did sex scenes for that matter) and I'm trying it out.
Thank you, was trying to indicate John' elliptical speech/thought, but if it reads awkward, it reads awkward.

Erik Ivan James said...

Excellent Bernita. You put me right into John's body and head. The physical actions, the smells, the thoughts, the desire for more of her, all excellent and REAL. Excellent male POV.

Two suggestions, both minor:

RE Savannah's comment, don't change the wording---fix it with punctuation is all.

"Hard to wait, urge to take her, take her, fast and hard......" If you edit out the second 'take her' it flows better for me.

Also, the ending is a very special touch for those of us that know she is widowed.

Bernita said...

Erik, trying for the male POV is very hard.
I am muchly gratified if you think it works.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments and encouragement ( almost said input! - thought, better not!)
And yes, change in punctuation might solve those nicely.

Carla said...

Can I add another vote for altering punctuation rather than wording? 'Always he'd gone home after, like a dinner guest' would work fine for me. In fact that's how I read it the first time, until I got to the comments.

Excuse me for being dumb, but what's the significance of 'Stone Circle'?

Bernita said...

Thank you, Carla.
I think I prefer the punctuation method too.
Comma or dash.
I have ideas about setting some action around one of the 50 or so stone circles/henges in Cumbria - but the idea isn't fully thought out yet.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Oh, that's just creepy. Dead man's ghost. Nicely done, totally flipped me a bit at the end.

Sorry the, um, fans of certain types of material have let you down. Shame on them. You need to use the words "porn, erotica, sex, nipples..."

Of course, part of the reason I get so many hits is because of my name. After that award thing, "Sandra Oh Sex" generated a lot of blog hits for me.

And apparently, Sandra sex is a much-sought-after thing in the middle east...

Bernita said...

Just for the hell of it, Sandra, you tempt me to title a post "Porn, porn, porn!"
Just to observe and laugh, but I'd probably end up being embarrassed instead.
Did get one looking for "necrophilia case wax' or something like.
???
Still trying to logic that one. My Naked ain't Dead - very much "alive, alive-o."

For The Trees said...

Ah, Bernita...you make my poor attempts at romance, love and sex seem like a ninth-grader's - uninformed, wavy-imaged, off-center and not true.

Bravo for a wonderful piece! Ah, well, already went there, might as well leave it. Ooops, that one, too. I better leave while I'm ahead. OOOOPS!

Rick said...

Sorry about that dry thing, Bernita!

(But Carla is to blame for my only lurking the last few days - she went and started that hist-fic board, stealing my commenting time.)

I agree with the other male-POV commenters. This reads believably to me.

Bernita said...

Piffle, Forrest.
Only thing "not-true" is your description of your writing.
But thank you for the nice compliment.I hope it reads "real."

Sela Carsen said...

Writing "after sex" is always more difficult for me than writing sex. I agree about the great male POV.

Bernita said...

~sighing with relief~
And you don't know how heart-felt.
Know it was possibly imprudent to wander through the mazes of men's minds.
Thank you, Rick. Thought it was a hoot, actually. Forgiven. Missed you.

Thank you, Sela.
I'm just the opposite, harder to avoid the cliches.It so sucks to come up with a description and then find it's tired as all get-out.
Afterwards one can always have him rush off to investigate a noise in the back or something.

Lady M said...

Wow!

Between you and Savannah, I'm going to have to invest in plastic for my chairs!

ROFLMAO!

And a handfull of towels!

Very well done. Both of you have different styles.

Bernita's is internal thinking, more ethereal, echoes of thoughts hidden but blatant at the same time.

Savannah's is right there - touch it... Voyeurism and candidly in front of you, so close you can smell it.

Both are VERY VERY good.

Where did I put that other towel? LMAO!

Lady M

Hugs y'all - sweet dreams youse guys - I'm off for bed, Hoping Blogspot will let me in tomorrow when I wake. I hate days that it goes down.

Lady M

Bernita said...

Lady M, how nice it is to know you appreciate both styles.
Thank you.

kmfrontain said...

Woo hoo! I liked that guy's POV! Biiiiiiggggg grin!

Savannah Jordan said...

"...so close you can smell it..." Goodness! Ya gotta love Lady M!

Bernita said...

Thank you, KM.
Glad to put a grin on your face.

Indeed, Savannah! She is always perceptive.

Sandra Ruttan said...

I got one looking for bunny disection. That was weird.

Of course, I've blogged about porn, so I've brought it on myself. I mean, not literally, but um, well...you know what I mean.

Bernita said...

Yes...um..I do.
I think a lot of mine gets shoved into trash by the gmail link, so it passes me by.

Gabriele C. said...

He wanted to crawl back into bed and pull that lovely sweet ass tight against his thighs and say good morning with his body.

Love that.

I agree, you can do male POV pretty well.

Rick,
it was I who started that forum. :) But I'm glad you like the playground. And Bernita, you should join, time travel qualifies as history.

Bernita said...

Thank you, Gabriele.Glad you liked it.

The idea terrifies me.I don't think I could manage it right now, though it's a marvellous thing.

Carla said...

Slander! Rick, Gabriele started the forum. I wouldn't have a clue how to go about setting one up. I only contribute/comment on it.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Yikes!!! I was busy yesterday....now I know why!!!