Friday, March 10, 2006

Splat!


The visitor tossed his new brief case - much lighter now that he'd delivered his manuscript - in on the back seat with what he hoped was a casual gesture.

The sample bottles of liqueur taped to the box of Belgian chocolates had been a clever accompanying touch he thought. The receptionist had been wide-eyed. She'd promised she'd take his manuscript right in to their top agent. Giggly type, though.

Splat! Splat!

The sound was distinct enough to be heard over traffic.

He paused, one foot on the floor of the yellow cab, and stared up.
He didn't see anything. His nose wrinkled at the stench.

Splat! Splat!

He swore and dove inside.

"You have extra large incontinent pigeons here in New York?" he asked, fumbling for the door handle and hastily checking himself over for guano or goo.

The visitor winced as one concussion reverberated directly overhead.

"Nah," said the cabbie, barging out into traffic.

"That's just the sound of egos hitting the sidewalk. Always happens when agents clear out their slushpiles."

Bawd: a procurer or - after 1700 - a procuress. In 14-16th c., Standard English; 17-18th c., colloquial; in 19-20th c., literary. In 18-19th c. occ. a female brothel-keeper.
Bawdy banquet: whoremongering; 16th c.
Bawdy basket: mid 16-17th c. cant, obsolete by 18th c. (1) A seller - generally female - of obscene literature, ballads, pins, tape, but living mostly by theft. From bawdy books carried in a basket.(2) a harlot: more rare (late 16th-17th c. and slang.
Bawdy-house bottle: a very small one; late 17th-18th c.; low colloquial.

32 comments:

Tsavo Leone said...

At first I wondered...

Then I tittered...

Then I laughed out loud...

And I'm still sat here with a big grin on my face.

Priceless m'lady, absolutely priceless (and you must send that to Miss Snark!).

Bernita said...

Thank you, milor'Tsavo. Hoped to make you laugh.

I imagine Miss Snark gets reams of wry stuff - every day. I'd be like the kid grinning and jumping and making the peace sign when the camera pans over the crowd.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Tee hee. Egos hitting the sidewalk.

Yes, I think Miss Snark would like that. I certainly did!

James Goodman said...

That was absolutely brilliant. I wasn't sure where you were going, then I couldn't help but laugh.

Bernita said...

Thank you, James, wanted sooo bad to include sparkles but resisted 'cause I think it's a female thing.

Glad, Sandra.
I'm still smirking over your definitions and stuff in your morning post. The Guys will either "ouch" or say "So?"

Savannah Jordan said...

I am in league with Tsavo on this one; I wondered WTF... Then as I got farther down I smiled... Lastly, I laughed.

Thanks for starting my day on a high note, Bernita!!

Ric said...

Giggles to start the day.

Very funny and very Snarky!

Bernita said...

Our fragile, steenkin' soap bubbles, Savannah.
Thank you.

Bernita said...

My snarks are usually self-inclusive, Ric, but I'm glad it made you laugh.

Dennie McDonald said...

made me giggle-

Rick said...

Wonderful way to start the morning!

But why are we all laughing? Those could be our manuscripts being cleared out.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Oh, that was cute! I, too was wondering what modem of manure maneuver you were perpetrating.....great analogy, "Egos hitting the sidewalk."...LOL, you shoulda' made the splats bigger! LOL

Bonnie Calhoun said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bernita said...

"modem of manure manouver"...Bonnie, that's good!

YOU can giggle, Dennie, but like Rick says,some of us should keep it down...

Gabriele C. said...

Hehe, that's what he gets for adding pralinés and liquor samples to his submission. Should have read Miss Snark.

Funny little piece.

Bernita said...

I think his "fiction novel" weighed in at about 20 lbs. as well, Gabriele.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Ack!!Why did it post twice. there was only one up there when I left!

Blogger hates me!

Yea, Rick but maybe we need that! I know rejection only makes me work harder to be accepted!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Thanks Bernita - I was going to add my own line to the end, "Why do women always get the last word? Because they talk the men to death before they can answer." But then I thought, why help them out?

Bernita said...

Now, Sandra, you KNOW a grunt is not a word, so we win by default.

Dennie McDonald said...

Naw, I haven't submitted to an agent in a loooong time - that's the only reason I can laugh!

jason evans said...

Nice humor piece! Now you can write a horror one...about the egos which keep soaring.

Gabriele C. said...

I think his "fiction novel" weighed in at about 20 lbs. as well, Gabriele.

Lol, I won't mind that for a good Hist fic or Fantasy novel. G.R.R. Martin's next one is to clock in at 1200-1300 pages, according to his website.

Now, if I could get away with that, revising Kings and Rebels would half as bad.

Bernita said...

Nopenopenope, nix, nyet.
Can't or won't write horror, Jason, been too close to the real thing, so no objectivity.

Bernita said...

We "gonnabe's" are advised to be lean.
I'm at 76,000 about for the first one and just decided to hack hell out of chapter three.

December Quinn said...

Ha! Loved it! I agree it should go to MS.

Bernita said...

Glad you've all enjoyed it, but c'mon, people - get real.
Miss Snark is not short of laughs.
She reads query letters every day.

For The Trees said...

I was doin' fine, walking along the sidewalk heading for the publisher's office to submit my fresh new manuscript in person, when a box of chocolates with sample bottles of liquor hit me square in the head. MAN! That HURT! And now I stink like I've been in a bar for WEEKS!

But what hurt the MOST was the bagged-up manuscript that followed the box of chocolates. It was REAL heavy! No wonder my spine's a few millimeters shorter now!

Bernita said...

Perhaps a taxi next time, Trees?

Rick said...

Gabriele - If I could get away with that, my original version of Catherine of Lyonesse might have sold. At just barely shy of 300,000 words, it would have weighed in at a mere 900 pages or so.

Sandra Ruttan said...

Bernita, I finally stopped laughing long enough to post...

Mark Pettus said...

Bernita, Lately everytime I read one of your posts, I'm almost certain you're making fun of me.

Those weren't Belgian chocolates, they were homemade cookies, by the way.

How sad to find out that your ego is something people are afraid to get on their shoes. :(

Bernita said...

Aw, Mark, bad patch?

Sometimes our egos are as fragile as summer bubbles blown by children, irridescent on the wind.
We just have to tell outselves there's more soap where those came from.