Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Not an Erotica Writer

No, really. NOT.
But since this is Hump Day and Bonnie whined for it.
Here's a mild SEX SCENE.
(Mygawd, I have to blame someone, don't I? I can't believe I'm actually putting this up here for everyone and his maiden aunt to read - mild though it is.)

"John," she said, her voice like hot smoke.

And surged against him.

"Yes," he said, his voice thick with it.

In the sudden wildness that swirled around them, he wanted to unzip and free himself, to hike her skirt, push aside her panties and take her where she stood.

Somehow, in the frenzied passion of hands and lips, he got their clothes off.

She was silver as Persephone in the moonlight.

He was hard as horn and huge with it.

He dropped to his knees before her like a Minotaur and she the dancer, his eyes fixed on the gilt snarl of hair between her legs, dark and light by turns as he pulled her closer, sliding his hands down from her breasts, the curve of her waist, settling, clenching, on her rounded hips.

Oh lady, lady.

She gripped his shoulders and slid that damp, hot gilded snarl slowly down his shuddering chest, opening her thighs, letting him impale her with his shaft.

Her breasts teased against his chest.

He wished he had four hands.

She gasped and withdrew a little, then twisted her hips and slid down again, taking him fully within.

"You're so big," she panted against his mouth.

She made that little sound in her throat.

He groaned and arched backwards.

Need.

68 comments:

Erik Ivan James said...

Bernita,

One of the many things I admire about you is your ability to post, day after day, not only entertaining material, but really excellent material.

Erik

Savannah Jordan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Savannah Jordan said...

Too many typos in the last post to leave it... What I was trying to say is:

Woot! I'm glad you posted erotica today, Bernita, because I dropped the ball and went with something dark and brooding.

I love this line: She was silver as Persephone in the moonlight.

Nothing you put your hand to fails to impress me. This was Beautiful, poetic sensuality.

Bernita said...

Thank you, Erik.
Now, I'm open to suggestions for alternatives to "shaft".
No street words, please.

Bernita said...

Thank you, Savannah.
I've a long way to go with erotica passages.

Savannah Jordan said...

One of my favorites is 'tumescence,' or a descriptive like 'point of his intent/need/hunger...' :)

Bernita said...

Oh, oh.
Let me see,
stem ( yuk), rigid pillar, handle ( giggling), column, member ( basic word,that.)
All associated with swollen, engorged,enlarged, and other adjectives of vascular congestion.)
Don't think that either "shaft" or "member" fall under the cliche category, simply because they are basic words.
"Rod" makes me wince, not into sadism.

Savannah Jordan said...

*wicked grin* Pained pillar... indecent intent... suffering shaft... meager member...

Okay, time to stop, the claws are coming out and I'm feeling vicious

Bernita said...

Dayum, Savannah.
And they used to call me "Tiger."

Savannah Jordan said...

Rawr, Baby!

Sandra Ruttan said...

Is mild sex less of a health risk than major sex?

Wow. So much for my blog post's assertion that we blush at the mere mention of sex. Clearly you aren't!

(I really have to applaud anyone who can write this. My characters are all modern virgins.)

Dennie McDonald said...

damn... where's the pool boy when you need him!

Bernita said...

Sandra, my evil intent is to make Bonnie blush.
Maybe I should have posted more of the ...un...action.
I gave up blushing for Lent - years ago.

Bernita said...

"pool boy??" Dennie?
That one escapes me.
Haven't read enough naughty, so I apologize for mild.

jason evans said...

Nicely handled! (Oh, wait, this was hands-free.)

Seriously though, the right dose of sensuality. A skillful weave of language.

The Minotaur reference may be a bit over the top, though.

Dennie McDonald said...

uh - I just meant that well, the dh is at work and well... alone sucks sometimes - (sorry not enough coffee this morning) :-)

Janna of Canada said...

Hi, I surfed over from Tanya's and figured I'd show some Canadian solidarity. Fascinating blog, and very nice scene you've posted; there's always room for subtlety in sex scenes, I think.

Bernita said...

Hey, Dennie, not you!
I just didn't quite get it.
~slaps head~

Thank you, Jason.
Yes, maybe -one of those yes-no things, shows up more in a snippit - but I'll risk it for now.

Thank you, Janna. Very nice of you to drop by and even nicer of you to comment.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

BLUSHING.....I'M BLUSHING...*she says as she peeks out from behind splayed fingers...OMGosh!!! Uh, oh,....yikes! Was the woman, Damie?....LOL...would it have mattered? LOL!!

Bernita said...

~giggles~
Yup, Bonnie. Damie, further from the short story.

December Quinn said...

Manhood...hardness...nothing wrong with "erection"..."himself"...his sex...

A lot of it is how you phrase and describe it (as Savannah suggsted-"tumescence" is a good one, and I like "turgid" too for description). If you say, for example, "he slowly inserted the burning tip of his need", you make the point without being too purple. I use "himself" a lot, as in "he felt the need to bury himself deep in the slick heat of her body" or "he thrust himself into her". (Of course, I also use more, em, bawdy words as well.) But even then, I like to add some maleness or hardness, because variety is the spice of life. :-)

This is a very good scene, but I have a couple of comments if you're interested-you say his voice was "thick with it", but thick with what? With need, lust, desire, heat? You should say that. It makes it hotter.

Also, when she grips his shoulders and slides those curls (excellent!) down his chest, I was a little confused. Perhaps it's because I was expecting some, um, oral pleasure, but I had this image of her spreading her legs and literally sliding down his chest to the floor. I think if you just say "she gripped his shoulders and urged him back to a stand, her curls..." it might work better.

Or that's just me. Grain of salt.

December Quinn said...

Wait, never mind that last comment. I see now. I am indeed loopy today.

Bernita said...

Thank you, December!
"his throat thick with it" - taken care of a couple of sentences before.

Gabriele C. said...

Oh, oh, naughty little Bernita. :)

That's a very nice scene. The only thing that threw me was the "with it" you use twice (his voice thick, hard as horn and huge) - you don't need these two words to make the description work.

Not much of a foreplay here it seems, but that works just fine in the context of those two characters.

Love the "Oh, Lady, Lady."

Gabriele C. said...

Hehe, just saw December Quinn found the "with it" one, too. :)

Bernita said...

Thank you, Gabriele.
Somehow missed the repetition.
One( or both) of them will go.
No, no foreplay with this particular scene.
They've both just been through a certain amount of emotional trauma - so there is just - need.

Lady M said...

She was silver as Persephone in the moonlight.

And hard with it ---- I loved it.

You have an almost archaic flavor to it.

The horn reference threw me off for a moment - because I'm literal minded... But then I had to think - what is hard as horn? Not much. Perhaps is where the original "horny" came from.

Nicely done Bernita. Nicely done.

And I don't mind repetition, as long as it is done with reason. With feeling. With absolute certainty.

As we all repeat ourselves in conversation - so should it be in some writing.

Lady M

Bernita said...

Lasy M, thank you.
You're very generous.

I think Gabrielle and December are right though. One of them has to go. There's a place for purposeful repetition, but I don't think this is it.

Yes, "horny" does come from that. At least according to my "Dickshonnary of Historical Slang."

Nice you felt a certain archaic flavour - fits with themes.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Mild....mild!!!Did you say mild? boy I'd hate to have to eat your spicy chicken wings...you'd probably cause a three alarm fire!

Bernita said...

Of course, it's mild, Bonnie.
Fairly decorous, actually.
I've read enough of Savannah to know that.
Did I capture ever moan and movement of hands, tongue, and ..er...um?
Especially the um?
Of course I didn't post the whole thing.

It's my hot pot that that has the chili peppers, the cayenne and stuff.

Gabriele C. said...

Bonnie, I should post one of mine. After that, you'll think Bernita is a nice little girl who never had a sinful thought in her life. *grin*

Bernita said...

Give us time, Gabriele, to collect smelling salts, brandy, fans, etc.

kmfrontain said...

You know, if you were writing real erotica, you wouldn't use tumescence or any such word to mean the noun form of an erect penis. "His tumescence" would get you laughed at for purple prose. Shaft is fine. Street words? Depends what you mean by street words. Cock is the most commonly used because it's simple and makes a quick graphic point without being too silly or too crude. I agree rod is on the silly side.

In one case, I followed a discussion thread on "his sex" or "her sex" and there were actually people that didn't get what those terms meant. I can only think they were very young readers, as in in their uneducated twenties, never read much before, only just acquired an interest in writing or reading, something like that. Can't think of any other reason for not knowing what "his sex" or "her sex" means.

All in all, the terms chosen depend on market and on the degree of erotica in the content. The more graphic it is, the less I advise terms which include avoidance of the physical reality of the body.

Janna of Canada said...

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever read with regards to the naming of anatomical parts is to call it what your character would call it. (Source: The Joy of Writing Sex by Elizabeth Benedict)

kmfrontain said...

Yes. That's it exactly. If John would call it his dick, it's his dick.

Sela Carsen said...

I just entered a steamy scene in a contest yesterday for fun. Eeek! It seemed pretty toasty to me, so I was struck by the timing when I read this post. Very nicely done, B. You really showed the anticipation/satisfaction of that "first moment" beautifully.

Bernita said...

That's interesting, KM.
I tend to find cock rather a street word and belonging more to porn than erotica.
In erotica there has to be a plot, a story, something more than just one loosely connected encounter after another.
Erotica can be graphic, but I think the secret to erotica is to find or suggest words that enhance the graphic, not displace it, and there I find that street terms thud.
Seems I have a lot to learn.
How do guys think of their willie in encounters?

Gabriele C. said...

Bernita, there's time to get the salts and brandy. I don't intend to clutter your threat with it, I'm going to put the little darling on my webspace (which means I'll have to add a few html codes) and post a link later.

Bernita said...

Thank you, Sela.
First contact is important, I think.

That's all very well, Janna, but sets me off into gales if he thought of it as his "peter...!"

Bernita said...

Good, Gabriele!

kmfrontain said...

Oh, I know the difference between erotia and porn. I can't write PWP (plot? what plot?). But cock isn't used solely for porn. If it suits the characters, it's used.

I've seen flowery, floaty, glossed over erotica, which means nothing is given a definitive edge. Words are avoided. And then I've seen erotica with blunter terminology and it's very workable. I think it depends on your market what you use, how much you use, how glossed over the scenes are.

Bernita said...

By market, I assume you mean how the readership reacts to certain words, and if they are comfortable with certain terms.
Guess I'm old fashioned - which is probably a draw-back here - find certain words just crude.
Don't want my sex scenes crude.

kmfrontain said...

Yes, that would be nice if the guys would tell us their common term for willie during an encounter scene.

kmfrontain said...

I felt the same way at first writing sex scenes. Didn't want them crude. But I spent some twenty five years reading traditional, flowery het scenes that alternated from glossed-over to semi-graphic, and almost all flowery, and somewhat purple prose if not outright purple prose. Now I look at the characters and write for the characters, not the market. If it turns out it's very graphic, I know to switch my market. But if you have to write for a market, then I guess it pays to know what they don't want to read.

But you can only write what you feel comfortable with anyway. I just happened to find I'm good at the genre I sort of stumbled into.

Bernita said...

Which raises yet another question.
Don't think all people have a specific name for the genitals.
Some may just think "it" or "there" with a mental picture, sensations, etc.

kmfrontain said...

Then we must educate them. ::wicked grin::

Janna of Canada said...

Don't think all people have a specific name for the genitals.

Agreed. During sex in real life, people don't ponder their anatomy by name at all; they just focus on how it feels. If calling it what your character would call it won't work, perhaps you shouldn't call it anything at all, i.e. instead of ...letting him impale her with his shaft. simply make it ...letting him impale her. It's obvious from the context he's not impaling her with a steak knife!

What an interesting discussion I've stumbled in upon!

Bernita said...

Yes, that might work , Janna, thank you, avoiding thus any screams of "cliche, cliche."

It's the posters who make discussions interesting.

Janna of Canada said...

btw, I found this link yesterday on one of the blogs I regularly read. The links entitled "Penis, the Staff of Life" and "Vulva (not the car)" might be useful to you.

Gabriele C. said...

OK, here we go. It's gay, it's kinky, and probably not a link Bonnie should click. ;)

clicky

Bernita said...

Thank you, Janna!
Put it on my favourites list.
Just howled over "he caressed her whatever' being more erotic than "he grabbed her by the crotch."

And it does confirm my understanding of my hero's fascination with her "nice ass."

Bernita said...

Other than it's gay, I don't find that it makes me a Sunday school prude, Gabriele.
Perhaps I should have posted the rest of my scene.

Bernita said...

And I don't mean to suggest yours is not a well-done scene. It is.

Gabriele C. said...

Thank you, Bernita.

So it's not over the limit of a sex scene in a non romance/erotica novel?

Bernita said...

I shouldn't think so, Gabriele, especially because of the "captive" resonance.

Gabriele C. said...

Hehe, that's part of their games. I want to show how a sexual relationship that requires even more trust and understanding than a conventional one, slowly breaks apart - with dire consequences.

Shesawriter said...

This was nice, Bernita. Very evocative. ;-)

Tanya

Sandra Ruttan said...

Really, the comments today are rather stimulating.

Seems your post has gotten, er, a rise out of a lot of people.

And generated some advice from the more experienced, I guess.

I'm going right back on over to my sexless (hah!) shy Canadian blog now. Blushing all the way.

(Seriously, this will be great for your blog hits. I get people hitting my blog who google "Sandra sex" and "I raped my sister" and "Bunny Disection" - none of which is as disturbing as John Rickard's attraction to those googling horsefucking.

But you've got yourself quite a, ahem, hot topic here...)

kmfrontain said...

Sandra! Horse...ahem?

Actually, I've looked that up because it came up on the news once. The things homosapiens thinks to do... Not safe and often darned stupid.

The link to the gay erotica in another comment post, btw, showed a scene not too graphic. I've been proofreading for Torquere and read a lot less glossed over. But it was a good example of the general trend.

And then the link for names of erotic parts. I really hooted over some of those. Man. I wouldn't use even half of them. It's too vanilla for my audience.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Gabriele...I'd probably run and hide!

And believe me, I won't click....I learned that lesson!

It's a little too hot in here for me! :-)

Gabriele C. said...

Kmfrontain,
I could probably do more graphic, but this is part of an epic historical fiction novel, and drifting too far into erotica would not go with the overall tone of the book.

What is Torquere, btw?

For The Trees said...

I just read it and wept. Yeah, there's a couple little nit-pickies, but I'm not nit-picking, I'm reading what the story says.

And you said it damn well. Thanks.

Lady M said...

It's prose - it's poetry in writing...

It's foggy - enough for the reader to know - without needing something that comes with batteries.

It's romantic.

It fits with the characters...

I would classify it as erotica with haze covered warmth.

LOL!

No street words needed - just imagination and a desire to believe the unspoken thoughts.

Lady M

Tsavo Leone said...

Sorry I'm a little late (got held up by Blogger being a royal pain in the you-know-where)...

Bernita m'dear, you've put a Cheshire Cat grin on my face with this one. It's almost as if the imagery were slightly obscured, fleeting glimpses through a gossamer curtain, and all the more beautiful for it. Poetic as always.

And since none of the other chaps appear to have commented on the naming issue: Penfold...

(I cant believe I just typed that...)

Bernita said...

Thank you, Tanya.

Seems my blog title alone is enough to generate peculiar traffic, Sandra! I'll be on watch for weird.

~fanning Bonnie~

Thank you, Trees! I don't mind nit-pickies, you know. They so often nail a problem and I learn.

Lady M, you are always encouraging.Thank you.

Now I'm blushing, milor'Tsavo...

Mark Pettus said...

I don't what I was going to say when I clicked on comments... but what erik said in the first comment is what I was thinking.

I've missed reading you the last few days.

Bernita said...

Thank you, Mark.
So nice.

kmfrontain said...

gabriele c asked what is Torquere. It's an on-line publishing house that publishes erotica. Their link is on my blog sidebar. And I think they have a submissions page to tell you what sort of erotica they are looking for. They do take mm, ff fiction. I'm not certain about traditional pairing. I started proofreading for them a month ago, not their short fiction publications, but the novels.