Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Conyers Falchion - Le Debut



He watched her stride down the airport concourse.

Black it was, just as she had said: black boots, black pants, black leather jacket, black scarf -- covering some but not all of that extraordinary hair. She towed black leather luggage and carried a black travel case.

Tres chic, he thought, but she walks like a warrior.

Her gaze passed over him with seeming indifference. Inspector Steve LaViolette, of the National Security Branch, was momentarily startled. Had she really crossed her eyes when they met his?
He watched her angle toward the lounge area and, with a quick stride and twitch of her travel case, beat a mother and two kids to the only free double seat.

She parked her suitcase beside the bench and dropped down, plopped the carry-on beside her feet, checked her watch, extracted a pen and notepad from the side zipper compartment and sat back. She left the compartment unzipped and nudged the case sideways with her boot.

"So that's my contact? Nice ass..." said a voice at his shoulder.

Steve turned and looked the source over slowly. "You really are young, aren't you," he said at last. "There you go. She set it up for you."

And that, dearlings, is the opening page for the romantic novel-with-the-time-travel-twist-and-Islamic-assassins-mixed-up-in-it-somewhere.
The urge to share bits of it has overcome my legendary diffidence, cowardice and caution.

13 comments:

James Goodman said...

Hooray for you!

You caught my attention and I don't even read romance.

I look forward to seeing more. :)

AE Rought said...

Nice! I like the tone. But, I do have one comment/question/edit recommendation. Can you change plopped?? You've description of her makes her body carriage (in my mind) much more stiff, ummm... self-contained, then 'plopped' sounds...

Just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it completely. :)

Bernita said...

Goody,thank you, I've used the term "romance" as much in the old adventure sense as in the love story sense - though the romance-romance is certainly part of the tale.
Thank you, Ae, good point.It's a judgement call actually. She is irritated( crossed her eyes).Perhaps I will change it to "dropped" and "plopped" to the carry-on.I'll think about it.

AE Rought said...

Yup, judgement call. "Dropped" was what I thought fit better. :) It gives the connotation of a controlled active movement.

Bernita said...

I've thought about it, AE, and I think you are right.Thank you.
I also think it's wise to pay attention when a reader indicates that something strikes a wrong note.

ali said...

Ooh! I would read on.

jason evans said...

I like it! Well constructed!

Bernita said...

Thank you, people.
You know, when I put this up this morning I felt like a tree falling in the forest.
I appreciate the comments, and there is no need just to be polite. If you feel something doesn't quite work, feel free to say so - there's differences in taste and style and there's good advice as well. I will post the rest of this scene tomorrow.

Sela Carsen said...

Then I look forward to tomorrow's entry! Very well done, Bernita. It had a very "visual" feel to it.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Very good visuals! I look froward to more. Did that come out of you the first time around, or did you have to edit it in?

Bernita said...

That surprises me, in a very nice way, Sela and Bonnie - hadn't thought of it particularly as a visual passage- was intent on setting small themes of character and plot.
Didn't edit them in, Bonnie, edited out a few extraneous things.

Ric said...

Good story. I'm intrigued.

comment: you have an adverb in there that I misread three times, pulled me right out of the story.

neatly beat a - I read it as nearly so it didn't make sense - guess it's a hard rhyme that jumps out. You might try removing the neatly - just a suggestion.

looking forward to more.

Ric

Bernita said...

If only all problems were so easily fixed by deleting one adverb....thank you, Ric.