Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Kids....er...Children

That guilty correction is entirely due to a mental elbow from an august family matriarch, who once proclaimed "Your mother is not a goat."
Be that as it may, I have four of them.
When we lived in Puckerbum, Surburbia, ( 1.8 children - max.) I was used to certain suspicious glances that suggested I was either incontinent or a secret Catholic. Frequently. That's when I began to announce, at large, "We really hoped for six, but..."
Nevertheless, as President and CEO of MommyCorp, at board meetings, I often remind the assembled shareholders of two founding principles:
(1) Kids never really leave home, and
(2) Regardless of religious affiliation, all mothers are Jewish.
I am always voted back in.
Because: you can approve their leaving the nest, but they know about the boxes and boxes of their stuff in the attic, which they might want some day.
You can express unbounded delight that they have cut the apron strings, but they need to call asking for secret recipes for things like "Plum Guck."
The Lion ( that's the VP) and I are used to getting calls at all hours and are expected to have the answers to everything from assessments of a policy paper to advice on removing cat urine from a carpet.
That's not quite right. The Lion gets the daytime calls. I get the middle of the night ones.
It can go like this: "Mommy, I'm gonna kill my room mate, my super soaker is gone..."
And I'm thinking: at 2:00 a.m. you want your water gun? and: I hope you have bail money.
Placidly, you say "No dear, your room mate didn't steal your supersoaker. I did. It's great for goosing squirrels out of the raspberries. Didn't I tell you?"
Of course, this exchange goes both ways.
I have been known to inflict upon my various offspring tidbits of extraordinarily profound advice.
These directives are separate and apart from those issuing from MommyFuss, a subsidiary company.
Some examples:
(1) Never make mint jelly while wearing a green mohair sweater.
(2) If you have only one bathroom, you also need a pail or a basin. Both, actually.
(3) Never wash your hair in a sink while wearing a hooded sweatshirt.
(4) If he/she doesn't like animals - dump him. Immediately.

Next boardmeeting will be held on Thanksgiving weekend.

8 comments:

ali said...

lol. I'm leaving home in a year, and have no idea how I'll cope. I expect my mum will be getting a lot of those 2am phone calls...

Bernita said...

Most mums don't mind.No matter what they might say.
What's hard, is for Mum to know when to let you figure it out for yourself and just provide the emotional support.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Tell it like it is, girlfriend! that was a great post. ROFL

Bernita said...

I recommend everyone haste over to Bonnie's blog, but go to the bathroom first, because otherwise you'll wet your pants laughing.
Bonnie, thank you.
That piece about the public washroom is a scream. And yes, my mother taught me exactly the same thing!

Robyn said...

Oh, Bonnie, girl, you need a spew alert! The Stance...impossible while wearing panty hose.

Bernita, I have two in middle school and the girl AND the boy are desperate to meet their true lurve. "Mom, is kissing fun?"

Oy...

Bernita said...

But, Robyn, WHAT did you tell them?
Yes, but chicken pox isn't?
You can get cavities?

Robyn said...

Did I mention that they are also very well aware that I'm writing romance?

I just told them yes, but no tongues.

Asa said...

Plum guck and ailing cat calls are as much about comfort as information. Affirmation over and despite distance and time.

My son asks me the same questions all the time. "What does blue and brown make?" "A mess" He knows the answer but he likes asking the question.